Family Engagement: Changing Childhood & Changing Adults

Have you ever walked the walk of parental shame? 

An unusually hectic day as a working Mum was rounded off with a distressed call from my sister who usually picked up my children from their setting. Like many of our peers, we shared the load, but on this day my sister was just not going to make it. I was new to my village and did not yet have friends to call on. So, a flurry of activity ensued to organise cover at work.  A quick explanation to my understanding boss, a call to my children’s setting to say I would be there, but a little late. A drive through country lanes desperately begging the traffic to clear. 

On arrival, all the children of late parents and carers were lined up, looking forlorn, scowling and echoing the mood of their clearly exhausted teacher. And the late parents, taking the painful walk of shame towards the gaggle of children, and being told, very firmly, to stand and wait. And then, the beckoning finger of doom … “Mrs Davis, can I please have a word?” And the word was had, painfully publicly, that my son had not had a good day today (“again”)  and that he needed to think about his behaviour before tomorrow. 

So that was both of us told. And both of us called out, in front of our peers.

In that moment I felt mortified for all three of us. My son, for the public sullying of his reputation, for my daughter who felt the sting for her brother and for herself and, for me, a busy and exhausted working Mum. 

I imagine, with much in common with the teacher who looked so tired at the end of the school day. One moment I could identify with her, and then next I just felt deeply disappointed and embarrassed. 

On that day I resolved to ensure that any setting I was part of would never do this. 

There is no blame on my part for the teacher. She was part of an organisation and a culture that permitted this and had not found another way. I am sure that with some intentional planning on all sides, this scenario could have been avoided and she and I might have been afforded an opportunity to find what unites us and how we might successfully communicate for the good of my two bairns.

The revised expecations of the reform:

I am personally glad of the revised expectations of how we manage relationships with parent carers, because sadly this was not a unique experience for me, or for others who have shared similar experiences. 

So here we are in the midst of making sense of new expectations of settings and schools. As we work through what the implications of generational reforms are for all of us as leaders, practitioners and fundamentally, public servants, there is one strong theme threaded throughout. That we must find new ways to engage and come alongside the families we are here for, within an approach that Working Together to Safeguard Children (March 2026) asks us to root in empathy, respect, compassion and creativity. 

The social care reforms in England take us further and calls on us to understand family networks and lean into or draw on these to improve the lives of children and young people and that we create the conditions for family led decision making. 

I had the privilege of being part of building a culture in a local authority that genuinely placed children, young people and families at the heart of practice. To do this well meant igniting the agency of family members and, perhaps more bravely, being led by them. Ceding power to those we are here to serve and being the facilitators of change rather than the intervenors, sole experts or plan holders was hugely refreshing and liberating on many levels, but not straightforward. 

In a complex system where professionals are used to holding accountability, decision making and drawing on their hard earned expertise, it took intentional effort to shift the collective mindset to one of deep listening and profound understanding of the context families are surviving or thriving in in order to galvanise and wraparound the right help and to allow the expertise to come from families. To generously offer and share our collective professional expertise to complement, rather than to dominate.   

Effective family engagement:

We all know that effective family engagement is imperative. Beyond being at the core of better outcomes for children and young people, it is the right thing to do, in order to effect real and sustained change. But we recognise it is far from straightforward, when the contextual landscape settings are part of has moved on so considerably. 

At Navigate we start with the premise that childhood has changed, and of course adulthood, and parenthood has shifted too. From the uber economy and changing working patterns to the way childcare is shared across parents, grandparents and friends, to the caring responsibilities held by many across the generations, and the seismic leaps in technology, the parent carer experience is barely recognisable from the one of my childhood. 

The need for improved family engagement is writ large across policy and will therefore be tested in practice. It is now an explicit priority in the new Ofsted Framework, with inspectors placing a greater emphasis on parental engagement, and a renewed focus on disadvantaged pupils, those with SEND and those known to social care. 

The challenge does not begin and end with engagement, but also with reengagement, an essential component of resetting an effective contract between parents, carers and settings. And to many school leaders and practitioners I meet with, this feels like quite a mountain. How do we shift our way of being to accommodate the changed context of parenthood and the often spoken of “broken social contract” in order to mend it? 

Where do we begin?

Just as we think and talk about holding dignity for every learner, so we must hold dignity for every parent and carer. No matter how misaligned our personal values or lived experiences. 

If we strip away all the policies, and initiatives that might seemingly support best practice, research suggests these are the core factors to success with family engagement.:

1. Trust - the very heart and foundation on which all other elements rely, with settings genuinely seeing parent carers as partners and not problems to manage. Trust is built through consistent communication, honesty, and following through on commitments. 

In my own parent shame story, any trust I had in the teacher and the setting was seriously eroded with that one event. Moreover, we had not yet established trust, so effectively if trust between myself and the school was a bank account, it was left in overdraft. No deposits had been made prior to that event to accommodate for a withdrawal. 

2. Two way communication - beyond broadcasting and to genuine dialogue, with opportunities for parent carers to ask, challenge and contribute and with communication that is accessible, responsive and timely.

In the event I described, the teacher was broadcasting in order to assert expectations for good behaviour and promptness, but there was no invitation for more discrete dialogue or no real opportunity for me to seek clarity or challenge. 

3. Shared purpose around the child our young person - aligning with families on learning expectations, behaviour and routines and attendance and parent carers understanding the why and the how of supporting learning at home.

The comment by the teacher told me or my son nothing about what good behaviour might look like and exactly what the expectations for tomorrow were. Any follow up from me would be limited to something bland like “try and be good tomorrow, son.”

4. Relational communication- personalised and proactive, deeply compassionate and kind. Why wait until something has gone wrong to contact parent carers, when so much will have gone right that may have gone unreported? How does a family know you know and understand them? How do we make that explicit?

There was nothing compassionate or kind about the shaming event. There was no recognition of my own presentation (which I am pretty certain would have been both harassed and conciliatory, all at once.) 

5. Inclusion and Equity- recognition and acceptance that not all families have the same time, confidence or prior experience of education. Some may feel excluded. How will you know what the barriers are and proactively tear them down? 

If I found this such a horrible moment, what would it feel like to someone without any working knowledge of behaviour systems or schools? I was new to this community and probably felt this acutely as I was trying to establish an identity for myself and my family in our village.

6. Staff mindset and capability - skills in communication and relationship-building sit alongside strong pedagogy. Engagement with families is core work, and not an add on. It is intrinsic to the culture of the setting. 

I cannot imagine the setting had undertaken any explicit work on family engagement. I accept that being late was far from ideal, for anyone. The fact that there were quite a few of us arriving late says something about the changing nature of family life and work and the clarity of expectations of the school. 

As social contexts shift, schools and settings are asked to evolve and connect with families and wilder communities in new ways that ensure strong and effective relationships, for the good of children and young people. Navigate can help by coming alongside and exploring the opportunities this creates for your setting, within the unique context you are part of.